Chaos on the Acropolis

Ever eat at a restaurant that was so dysfunctional, you wonder how they stay open? My wife and I decided to grab a bite after going to see a show, and not far from the theater saw this little Greek restaurant that she'd never been to, and I hadn't visited in years. I soon realized why. The waiter (one of three running around crazy with dirty aprons and clothes) handed us a handmade menu. He apologized that there was only one. We looked around at the twenty-odd tables and saw another table that was waiting for us to finish reading ours. Twenty tables, maybe fifty seats, only half of them full, some of them already eating, and they didn't have enough menus for the ten people who hadn't ordered yet!

We just wanted a bite, and my wife wanted a gyro sandwich (this being a Greek restaurant). They just didn't have one on the menu. So we asked if they could make one. They said they could give us a gyro platter, which had all the ingredients of the sandwich, but they couldn't make the sandwich - my wife could make it herself. OK, fine. I ordered spinach pie, which came with a salad, rice and "a vegetable blend".

Suffice it to say that the food was alright, not great. The "vegetable blend" was a nasty combination of green beans and vinegar. My wife made her gyro and ate it.

Then it came time to pay. There was no check - I met my waiter at the register and he rang up my credit card, then he asked me if I wanted to leave a tip on the card! For him!

The Club Sandwich Conundrum

I have loved club sandwiches since I was a child . The perfect mix of toast, mayo and turkey essentially served on a BLT. All held together by colored frill picks and cut diagonally into quarters - heaven! Except in Pittsburgh. Since I moved to Pittsburgh 17 years ago I have to fight, claw and beg to get a properly made turkey club. No restaurant in the area wants to put mayo on the sandwich, even if the menu says it does!!!

I have gotten to the point that I am so worried about getting my mayo that I get a stomach ache waiting for my sandwich. The last time was at a local outlet of a national restaurant, where when I asked for the mayo on the sandwich, the server shook her head and said she'd ask, but the cooks just do what they want to do. Sometimes I've offered waitresses double tips for ensuring this, but rarely works.

Here's my problem:

• Mayonnaise belongs on a club sandwich, unless a customer requests otherwise
• After the sandwich is cut, disassembling it to add mayo is a mess
• A club sandwich is best with fresh, warm toast and bacon
• I don't have any frill picks at home

Does anyone know where I can get a classic turkey club in the Pittsburgh area served without an ulcer?